Monday, November 9, 2009

Free cell phone services you should use.

I thought that maybe you fine bloggers would like to hear about some free cell phone services that Mr C likes.

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SLYDIAL (Leave someone a voicemail without them answering)

I’m sure that at some point, you’ve called someone just hoping they wouldn’t pick up their cell, just so you could leave a message. Maybe your liver has been marinating in booze and you need to call in to work, or maybe you just want to avoid conversation with that annoying friend? Now you can just SLYDIAL them! Call anyone’s cell (from your cell) by dialing 267-SLYDIAL. It’s just a regular call and it’s totally free to use! (note, it will sometimes show up as a missed call on their end, but it will NOT let them answer, it will always go to their voicemail.

Try these useful phrases:

“Hey you, I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed you last night, talk to you later bye!”

Or

“My tummy hurts so bad, I won’t be coming into work today, cell service really stinks here at the hospital.”


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JAXTR (Call with your cell phones overseas for free!)

If you ever want to call someone overseas on each others cell, but don’t want to pay pesky tolls, use this FREE service! Basically, you type in the cell you want to call, and it sends them a text message with a number for them to call, then it patches you losers up for free! =)

Just go to JAXTR.com

I understand that sometimes, it may be difficult to understand each others dialect, so here are some useful conversations you could have for certain cultures you call…

Calling Australia:

“G’day mate! Have you seen that banana bender from the GAFA lately? That furphy made me mad as a frog in a sock when I heard about what she did! She told me she was out of frangers and her fanny was out of order so to use her freckle! Good thing I had a gutful of piss in me!”


Calling Ireland:

“Blimey! That lass sure was no bag o’ swhag, she was shootin’ air biscuits all night, then tried to kick me back doors in!”

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YOUMAIL (Personalized voicemail for any callers you designate)

You may have heard of google voice, but that crap requires an invite, plus it’s not as cool as this FREE service. Imagine being able to set a different voicemail message for each loser that calls you, or maybe you want someone to think your phone is disconnected!? Set up a quick free YOUMAIL account and do it now! You can pick from tons of different error messages like realistic “PLEASE DEPOSIT FIVE CENTS” or the standard “Out Of Service” messages. It also saves all your voicemails and can alert you via text/email when someone leaves you one.

You can even set messages for unknown callers or blocked ID’s, and choose whether you want it to hang up on them after the message or not.

Oh and you can record your own messages and use it just like regular voicemail as well, it's a much better system to use than your standard vm.. I would suggest setting a special one in case I call you. I suggest using the one that says….

“She is not available at the moment, but her phone is on vibrate and she is sitting on it. The more you call, the more pleasure she gets, please leave a message so she knows who to thank.”

Visit YOUMAIL.com

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Engagement announcements are almost as fun to read as divorces or bankruptcies!

Every Sunday I look forward to getting the local newspaper in the morning. Last week though, the woman that delivers my paper had the nerve to attach a little index card with “Please consider $5 for gas” written on it. What, because I don’t choose to live in a hamster cage cul-de-sac where every one’s house looks the same and some retard neighbor yaps about their Sub-Zero fridge or their Viking stove, I have to get pestered by a newspaper peon?


I quickly forget about her cute little note, and go straight to my favorite section, the engagement announcements. I love looking at the pictures, plus it shows what jobs they have and that’s always a fun source of entertainment. “John is a manager at Wendy’s, and Christine is a customer service specialist at Target, they have a july 2010 wedding date.” I wonder how many burgers this idiot had to sell in order to finance her cubic zirconium? Then I start thinking, “Hey this dickhead is probably getting bj’s by the dozens, while I’m sitting here with a dry penis and no one to even watch tv with. "


Then I see a really good looking brunette that’s posed next to some very strange looking guy, sloppy around the waist, confused smile, and what looks like a stain on his shirt (probably from too much Velveeta). I know that nothing can stop a Velveeta cheese fan, because they put it on everything; tortilla chips, bread, anything that’s not nailed down.
Maybe she likes Velveeta too, and that’s what attracted her? I mean why else would this girl be with this guy. He looks like the kind of guy that carries a Swiss Army all-in-one tool on him at all times, only he probably had to pawn his beloved Swiss Army tool in order to buy her a nice glass ring and an industrial vat of velveeta. I wonder if he just uses his personal checks in place of the Swiss Army tool, since they are made of rubber and bounce? He could repair flat tires with them, play racquetball, or wrap one around his dick.


Then I see a normal looking guy who’s last name is “Drinkwine.” How cool is that name! Too bad his woman of choice looks like she should be wearing a cowboy hat and smoking a Marlboro.


Nothing really stood out on the rest of the announcements, it was mostly old couples that were celebrating their 50th year of misery. Speaking of old people, I saw a lady that I swear looked at least 100, driving. The kind of old lady that you know only goes to McDonalds for coffee, The Pharmacist, and the repair shop every month for service where they end up doing a bunch of unnecessary repairs. “Pearl, your brakes are about to fall apart, you’ve been driving a lot this month haven’t you?” or ‘Pearl, good news! Your car was leaking gas and blew up, but we handcrafted you a brand new car and even duplicated the little scratch on the back, see? Since the explosion happened in our shop, we won’t charge you anything for the car, but we’ll buff this scratch out for you for only $2500.”


I wonder what the announcement looked like when Pearl got engaged? “John is a newspaper deliveryman, and Pearl likes to eat lasagna with barbecue sauce.”

Anyways, Happy Halloween everyone! I wish you could all put the candy corn down and come join me for brandy soaked Maraschino cherries and Champagne.

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About This Blog

I love making fun of people. I love calling people losers. I love littering, cutting in lines, and more or less living in my own world, on my own terms.

I want to try to help you enjoy life better, by making fun of someone else. When you make fun of someone, it makes you feel a little bit better doesn't it?


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